Tuesday, January 28, 2014

An Unexpected Storm

It was January 7, just a year ago.  I remember it  well as I woke up to a blanket of fresh snow, a winter storm, so beautiful from inside my warm home.  But so treacherous for travel.  You and I were to be in Spokane the next day, looking forward to our time with your two new doctors and hopeful for new direction to help us deal with the ever-increasing struggles of your physical challenges.  Oh God, help me know what to do.  I will be alone, traveling for hours to pick you up.  Can I get to you, mom?  And can we safely continue on to Spokane in the midst of this winter storm? A few moments of prayer, and  a quiet reminder that the Lord Himself, the Lord of the unexpected storms, would travel with us. I began the long drive on un-plowed, snow-covered road, knowing the Great Shepherd would lead us past the fields of beautiful white, that same beautiful white covering the slippery roads, through our unexpected storm .  Such a long, tedious drive but sweet time together.  It was so different now since your move from Hunters, the sense of unspoken loss of our time together and what that meant to the future, was always present.   Our time with Dr. Richardson and Dr. Fuehs was at a heart level as we spoke of your health and mortality.  There would be no help, no recovery, only preparation.  Expected but unexpected, a new storm was on my horizon as we made our way home through the continuing blizzard, unable to speak without tears. Tears of love for our life together and thoughts of how we would navigate the future, at the same time knowing the preparations were taking place for your heavenly arrival.  I don't know if I can face this, mom.  It's too deep.  We been together for 63 years, you and I.  And so death is the expected, but my deep, at times overwhelming, emotion as I think of losing you is more than I expected.  I'm so torn, so conflicted.  I can't imagine life without you, my sweet mother. At the same time the beautiful expected hope of you in heaven with Christ Himself sustains me as my heart breaks in these last days.  A new heavenly body free from all the limitations of aging, able to walk and breathe, the promise of God.  In the meantime, and through all this process, you have promised to continue to lead me and I will follow, Great Shepherd of my heart.  I need your help, oh God, as the expected and unexpected, joy and sorrow  continue to live together under the watchful care of Him who is able to keep me from falling.  Blessed be His name forever--